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27 December 2006 @ 08:24 pm
Seattle Grace Hospital  
Addison had left the trailer, a heavy feeling hovering over her. She knew the moment she and Derek shared in the trailer wouldn't be their last happy moment together. There were going to be lots of moments in which they would go out and find their love for one another again. The only problem was they would have to make time to work things out, to talk about the past, about Mark and Meredith, about why they fell apart.

It wasn't fair. Why couldn't they just know and move on? Why did they have to bring out the pain and everything that's happened? Addison knew it was something they needed to do. She knew very well without talking about those things, their marriage would fall apart again. She just wished they could fast forward through all of that and just be happy, just be Addison and Derek.

Of course, life never worked that way and they would have to battle it out, hoping and keeping faith that they would come out of it alive and stronger than ever.

She'd gotten Finn's first text message on her way to the hospital but decided against texting him back until she got to the hospital; however, by then he'd already withdrawn his first request and told her to take a rain check. Noting that she really needed to talk to him, Addison made a mental note to contact him later. The night before had been complicated and she was sure she'd led him on. Now things were different and she was going to work things out with Derek so she needed to tell him. He was a good friend and she was sure that she would need his shoulder to lean on when things got tough with Derek so she needed to be absolutely honest with him.

Her day had gone on with very little difficulty. Everything was the same as always. Patients, babies, mothers; just the same thing she dealt with on a day to day basis. Her mind however drifted to Derek quite often. They always had, but this had gotten to a point where she almost couldn't keep her mind off of it. Her mind was on Derek when she walked down the halls. It was on Derek when she wrote notes in a chart. The only time she could tear her mind away from Derek was when she was actually in surgery. She was a surgeon and her patients deserved the best. She would not let her personal life jeopardize a patient's life.

Now Addison was staring blankly down at a chart at the nurses' station, pen in hand but unmoving. All she could think about was Derek, wondering when she'd be able to see him again, when they could have a moment like they'd had that morning. She missed the sheer bliss and playfulness they'd always shared in the beginning of their relationship. The morning let her get a glimpse of that again and all she wanted was for every moment to be just like that; Addison and Derek, the way they were supposed to be. It was just a dream, but it was dream she was going to hold on to.
 
 
 
dr_shep on December 30th, 2006 12:42 am (UTC)
Derek draped an arm around her shoulders when her head came to rest on his. He turned slightly to her and smiled before putting his attention back on the food. She, apparently, was full, but he still wanted more. Besides, if they were still eating they weren't hurting. This moment didn't have to end.

He wanted this moment to go on forever. If that wasn't possible he wanted forever to be filled with little moments like this. He hated hurting. And he hated Addison hurting. They had both suffered through so much pain in the recent months that he often wondered if they had really paid their dues. He was done hurting her, but it still had to be done. No matter how hard he tried, they had to hurt. The pain had to come.

But that didn't mean he wouldn't prolong it. At least for as long as possible. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head before lifting a piece of broccoli to his mouth.
xaddis0nx on December 30th, 2006 05:48 am (UTC)
Addison closed her eyes and focused on the feeling of Derek's arms around her. She had to remember this moment to remind herself that he still loved her and cared for her in some way, and that he loved her enough to be able to forgive her. She hoped that it was enough. His love for her in New York hadn't been strong enough to stop him from leaving, but she had to believe that it was different this time. Giving up was not an option.

She let her arm snake around him and placed a hand on his hip, pulling him closer as she snuggled her cheek against his shoulder. Sighing, she hoped that her fears wouldn't dampen the moment although it already had for her. She just wanted them to be happy for a little longer.

Turning her head to look over at him, she leaned in and quickly placed a kiss on his cheek, resting her chin on his shoulder.
dr_shep on December 30th, 2006 07:14 am (UTC)
Derek took another bite of the food and decided he was done, but he didn't want to be. He didn't want to face the pain. He just wanted to stay here with Addison in his arms. Life was perfect this way. Right now, there was no reason to start having pain; Derek loved her.

He didn't know what the important stuff they would talk about would be. He wasn't really sure how the conversation would go, but he knew that in a few minutes they would be hurting. The thought of the tears he feared would fall from Addison's eyes terrified him. He didn't want her to hurt. He didn't want to be hurt by her. He was just ready to love her.

With a sigh, he turned to smile sadly at her, "You want to help me clean up?"
xaddis0nx on December 30th, 2006 07:48 am (UTC)
She returned his weak smile and pulled away from him, a soft "Okay" leaving her lips. Reaching out, Addison took the empty boxes and closed them, putting them back into the bag to be thrown away. There was still some rice and some broccoli beef left, so she put them all into one box so Derek could save it for later since he didn't have much food in the trailer.

As Addison did this, her hands moved slowly, trying to prolong the arrival of their impending pain. Why couldn't they just live happily ever after without having to face these problems? Why wasn't it possible to just move on and start fresh without having to look back at the past? She knew that they needed to, to prevent them from repeating the same mistakes, but it didn't seem fair that they had to go through so much just to try and be happy.

After she'd put all of the food into one box, she closed the lid and pushed it toward the center of the table. "For later," she said softly, giving him a small smile and moving to the sink to grab a towel to wipe down the table.
dr_shep on December 30th, 2006 08:36 am (UTC)
"Thanks," Derek smiled gratefully, taking the box to the refrigerator. This was more like it had been in their relationship a dozen years before. Addison taking care of him and sharing clean-up duties. This was what marriage felt like.

Trying not to think of their impending pain, Derek carried the empty boxes to the trash and watched as Addison leaned over the table to wipe it off. She was beautiful, and he loved watching her. As soon as she straightened to her full height, Derek came up behind her and placed his hands on her hips, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

"Thanks for helping clean," He said softly.
xaddis0nx on December 30th, 2006 09:29 am (UTC)
At the feeling of his touch, Addison dropped the towel onto the table and wrapped her arms around herself, placing her hands on top of his and leaned back against him. The perfection of the moment was not lost in Addison and she couldn't stop herself from thinking about their once perfect past and the possibility of living like this in the future. This was what it was supposed to be like and nothing could ever change her mind about that.

She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning in to kiss him softly but keeping it quick, knowing that she wouldn't be able to stop if it escalated. "It was my pleasure," came her soft reply.

Now everything was done. Dinner had been eaten. The food had been cleared, the table wiped down. There wasn't anything left to keep them from working out their problems and facing the pain. It was time to put their love to the test.

Addison gave him a sad, crooked smile and let out a breath.
dr_shep on December 30th, 2006 09:54 am (UTC)
Derek knew that her sad smile meant this was over. Their happiness was rapidly coming to a close. It was time to put everything they felt to a test. It was time to face the pain.

He didn't want to hurt. He didn't want to cause Addison hurt, but he did want to be Derek and Addison again. Happy moments full of love and desire would get them most of the way there, but they had to bridge the rest of the gap by overcoming their pain and their struggles. They had to do it all, and they couldn't avoid anything.

With a sigh, he pressed another kiss to her shoulder before looking up to meet her eyes, "You ready to do this?"
xaddis0nx on December 30th, 2006 10:33 am (UTC)
All Addison wanted was to scream out, "No," and that she would never be ready to do this because she would never want to go through this. She couldn't stand to know that there might be a chance Derek could never forgive her for what she's done or what she's hidden from him. She just wanted to live blissfully as they were just moments before.

Rational thought, of course, told her that they had to face all of this, that they needed to in order to get back to Addison and Derek. It was the truth, but that didn't make her fears go away and it wasn't going to make her pain any smaller.

Addison tried to suck it up and nodded slowly. "As ready as I'll ever be," she said softly.
dr_shep on December 30th, 2006 10:46 am (UTC)
He gave a rueful laugh at Addison's answer. It matched his feelings completely. He would never be really ready for this. He would never want to hurt, but he knew it had to be done. He could barrel through this.

"Me too," He nodded, wrapping his arms around her tightly and giving her a hug from behind before letting her go.

Derek wanted Derek and Addison more than anything in the world. He wanted this to work. They had to do the happy stuff, and they had to deal with the pain. The pain and their problems were just as important as feeding each other as dinner, albeit in radically different ways. He was going to make this work.

Slowly, he walked from the kitchen of the trailer to the living room area (which, in all honesty, was about two steps away) and sat on one the opposite arm of the couch. He wnated to give Addison as much space as she needed. He knew that while they were hurting, distance was necessary. They couldn't be sitting in each others arms with their faces just inches apart if they were going to own up to their sins.
xaddis0nx on December 30th, 2006 11:39 am (UTC)
Addison sat on the opposite end of the couch slowly and avoided his gaze for the longest time as she thought about what she was going to say. Before they could talk about why they had fallen apart, she needed to tell him about what she'd been hiding from him; the one thing that had been bothering her since Mark's first visit to Seattle. They couldn't start getting to the root of their problems if they didn't deal with things they'd been hiding first.

She could feel her heart beating faster and faster with each passing second, her guilt clawing at her; the lie, pounding at her chest to be let out.

"I stayed with Mark," she blurted out, finally looking at him, the fear apparent in her eyes. "I stayed with Mark after you left. I stayed with him in his apartment."

Breathing deeply, Addison stared at him, trying to read his reaction before going on with what she needed to say.
dr_shep on December 30th, 2006 07:34 pm (UTC)
Derek had been preparing to suggest that they agree on some mutual starting point when the words came out of her mouth. He met her eyes as she told him that she had stayed with Mark, that she had had a relationship with his ex-best friend.

He had believed her when she had told him that that night in New York had been the first time (he always believed Addison), and he had always pictured her alone and heart broken in their brownstone after he left. He hadn't pictured her in Mark's apartment, having sex and doing other things.

He shuddered involuntarily at the thought, and he was almost speechless. He didn't know how to respond. He felt betrayed. He felt angry. And he almost felt physically ill.

"You stayed..." He repeated, trying to wrap his mind around it, "With Mark."
xaddis0nx on December 30th, 2006 09:43 pm (UTC)
"I stayed...with Mark," Addison said again, right after Derek spoke. Her mind was racing at hundred miles per hour, her thoughts jumping from Mark to Derek to Mark again while images of that night, sleeping with Mark, catching him with that nurse, all popped into her head.

"After you left, I stayed with him because I lo--I thought that I loved him. I wanted to believe that I hadn't thrown our marriage away for a fling so we stayed together." Addison swallowed hard as she stared at him with her tear-filled eyes.

All she could see in her mind was the night Derek found them in bed together. She saw the betrayal in his eyes, how angry he was that night. She saw herself banging on the front door of their brownstone as she felt the rain hit the bare skin on the back of her legs. She didn't want to feel like she lost him that badly again, but that sinking feeling wouldn't go away.

She continued, wanting to get everything out there, face Derek at his worst. This was the biggest part of her secret and if he could forgive her for this, they really could get through this.

"And well, Mark is Mark and I...found him with someone else. That's when Richard called." She played with the hem of her skirt nervously, wringing it in her hands. Looking into Derek's eyes, she hoped he could see how sorry she was and all the pain, all the regret she felt. "And so...that's the worst of it," she said softly.