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27 December 2006 @ 08:24 pm
Seattle Grace Hospital  
Addison had left the trailer, a heavy feeling hovering over her. She knew the moment she and Derek shared in the trailer wouldn't be their last happy moment together. There were going to be lots of moments in which they would go out and find their love for one another again. The only problem was they would have to make time to work things out, to talk about the past, about Mark and Meredith, about why they fell apart.

It wasn't fair. Why couldn't they just know and move on? Why did they have to bring out the pain and everything that's happened? Addison knew it was something they needed to do. She knew very well without talking about those things, their marriage would fall apart again. She just wished they could fast forward through all of that and just be happy, just be Addison and Derek.

Of course, life never worked that way and they would have to battle it out, hoping and keeping faith that they would come out of it alive and stronger than ever.

She'd gotten Finn's first text message on her way to the hospital but decided against texting him back until she got to the hospital; however, by then he'd already withdrawn his first request and told her to take a rain check. Noting that she really needed to talk to him, Addison made a mental note to contact him later. The night before had been complicated and she was sure she'd led him on. Now things were different and she was going to work things out with Derek so she needed to tell him. He was a good friend and she was sure that she would need his shoulder to lean on when things got tough with Derek so she needed to be absolutely honest with him.

Her day had gone on with very little difficulty. Everything was the same as always. Patients, babies, mothers; just the same thing she dealt with on a day to day basis. Her mind however drifted to Derek quite often. They always had, but this had gotten to a point where she almost couldn't keep her mind off of it. Her mind was on Derek when she walked down the halls. It was on Derek when she wrote notes in a chart. The only time she could tear her mind away from Derek was when she was actually in surgery. She was a surgeon and her patients deserved the best. She would not let her personal life jeopardize a patient's life.

Now Addison was staring blankly down at a chart at the nurses' station, pen in hand but unmoving. All she could think about was Derek, wondering when she'd be able to see him again, when they could have a moment like they'd had that morning. She missed the sheer bliss and playfulness they'd always shared in the beginning of their relationship. The morning let her get a glimpse of that again and all she wanted was for every moment to be just like that; Addison and Derek, the way they were supposed to be. It was just a dream, but it was dream she was going to hold on to.
 
 
 
xaddis0nx on December 30th, 2006 11:12 pm (UTC)
Addison looked away from Derek as she saw him bury his face in his hands. She knew that what she'd said had hurt him and she knew that there were many things that he would say that would leave her feeling the same way, that is, if he could ever decide that everything was worth it. Derek could stop right now if he wanted and tell her that he couldn't do this anymore, that he couldn't forgive her for the sins she'd committed. Then it would all be over.

She didn't want to lose him. Willing to do anything, Addison would readily travel back in time and change everything if she could. The only problem was she couldn't. What's done was done and she couldn't take any of it back; neither of them could. The damage was done and fixing it would be the hardest task they would ever have to do.

"I never loved him, Derek," Addison continued softly as she stared at the floor, knowing he wouldn't be saying anything anytime soon. "I tried...so hard after I knew you weren't coming back. I tried to heighten his appealing traits and tried to tell myself that he could make me happy. But the truth was, Derek, he could never be you and I could never love him the way I love you."

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she sat silently for a moment, recalling the miserable nights she had in New York. She would find herself missing Derek and would get Mark to take her out followed by a long night of sex. At times all she wanted was to forget Derek, forget all the good times they had together. She never could and it just about haunted her the whole time she'd been with Mark. She was able to make everyone believe she'd been happy, but she wasn't able to fool herself.
dr_shep on December 30th, 2006 11:51 pm (UTC)
Derek inhaled shakily. It was at least comforting to hear that Addison still loved him. It was comforting to know that Mark didn't measure up, but he couldn't erase the thought of Addison turning to him.

Derek had been a bad husband. He had taken his wife's love for granted. He had taken his own love for his wife for granted. He had gotten a glimpse of what a career as a doctor could do for him. He wanted to be the best. He put his whole attention into furthering his career. Sometime along the way, neurosurgery began to replace Addison as the most important thing in his life.

And she was the most wonderful woman in the world. She was beautiful. Her body was perfect. She was intelligent. She loved with all her heart. She was an amazing doctor. She was funny. She was absolutely the love of his life. Derek knew that.

But sometime he had forgotten that Addison was so perfect, so wonderful. He had let her slip away. He had forgotten how to love her.

He had been so horrible that he had driven Addison into another man's arms. He had forced his wife to go look for pleasure and companionship from someone who wasn't him. The thought of those things still made Derek physically ill, and knowing that he was the only one to blame was even worse.

And there was still nothing he could say. Nothing could communicate how sorry he was. There was no way to tell her how betrayed he felt. Addison's body had been given to another man. Derek was sorry, and he was betrayed. He couldn't decide which was the more prominent emotion.

He did manage to look up, to at least see her crying. And that hurt even more.
xaddis0nx on December 31st, 2006 02:30 am (UTC)
The lack of words from Derek was starting to get to her. All of her fears only getting enhanced by the silence. She could only imagine what he was thinking now. He was probably trying to come up with ways how to hurt her back or ways to get rid of her forever. Maybe he was thinking of another city (or country) he could flee to, to get away from her.

Addison didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say. She knew she couldn't make any of it better. The pain was already there and she couldn't take it away. She couldn't take back the things she'd done, and again, Addison felt as if she'd ended her marriage; sealed the deal, signed the divorce papers, and have lost Derek forever by telling him this.

She let out a breath and brought her hands up to wipe her eyes and brush the tears away. She wouldn't be an obligation to him any longer or the woman who constantly hurt him. Addison knew she deserved every silent treatment, every form of torture that he could come up with, but she couldn't. She couldn't sit here, knowing that she'd lost Derek forever and pretend like it was okay for her to be there.

Standing up, Addison straightened out her skirt and continued wiping at her eyes. "I'll just uh...I'll go now," she said softly nodding slightly, her voice cracking her in between words.