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10 December 2006 @ 06:35 pm
Emerald City Bar  
The bell above the door rang as Addison quickly entered, trying to get out of the rain. She quickly scanned the bar for the one person she came there for.

She wasn't even sure why she was doing this. Well, she did know. She was doing this for Derek, but really, she shouldn't be. Right? Addison wasn't his wife anymore (at least she wouldn't be his wife anymore a couple days from now when they go to meet with the lawyer). She didn't have any claim to him. She didn't have any responsibility towards him, and yet here she was.

Addison loved him still and she would go through hell and back for him (she kind of already had). She hoped that deep down somewhere, he was still her Derek and that they could possibly work their way to being friends again. When their marriage fell apart, Addison had lost her best friend and her husband. Now, she only wanted to be able to hold onto one of them.

Her eyes finally fell on Derek who was sitting at the counter, nursing another glass of alcohol. She frowned as she went over to his side. "Derek?" she said softly, feeling all the eyes from people who work at the hospital on them. Derek just had to pick the one bar everyone from the hospital went to.
 
 
 
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 02:07 am (UTC)
Her heart started racing, pounding in her chest. It wouldn't have surprised her if Derek could hear it thumping quickly. She wasn't sure if she was blushing, but she felt flushed and her cheeks felt warmer than usual. Addison knew she wasn't supposed to feel this way. They were getting divorced and she couldn't have herself still have these feelings because it would only make her hurt more.

She tried desperately to tell herself his gesture meant nothing. He was only showing his gratitude. He was still drunk. He wasn't thinking clearly at the moment. Countless excuses for his behavior ran through her mind to stop her from feeling that attraction.

It was hard, however, fulling knowing that he hadn't done anything that affectionate in a long while, only happening on a few occasions since she'd come to Seattle. A part of her wanted so bad for him to have actually meant more when he brushed his lips against her forehead, that part of her that was still trying to hold onto some ridiculous hope for 'Addison and Derek.'

She sighed and gave him a sad smile, placing a hand on his back. "Come on, let's get you to bed," Addison said as she began to usher him toward the bedroom.
dr_shep on December 13th, 2006 04:54 am (UTC)
Derek nodded; he was now sober enough to walk under his own power, though he appreciated Addison's supporting touch on his back. As he slowly started toward the bathroom, Addison accompanying him, Derek's mind began to drift.

He'd always been something of a horny drunk (which would explain why he'd been more than willing to go home with Meredith after his first night at Joe's), and now he was here with Addison. Sometime between the kitchen and the bedroom, Derek managed to talk himself into kissing her (though the sober half of his brain figured it was likely that she would slap him... and it probably qualified as taking advantage of her).

With that idea in mind, Derek turned, grabbing her face between his hands, and kissed her sloppily.
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 05:18 am (UTC)
After eleven years of marriage, one manages to develop habits, certain reactions to things that happen. When your husband kisses your neck, you tilt your head to the side and give him better access to your skin. When he wraps his arms around you, you lean into his body as much as you can. And when your husband kisses you, you kiss him back, so when Derek captured Addison's lips in a sloppy kiss, her first instinct was to reciprocate.

She did, pressing her lips against his harder, but after a moment, her mind fully registered what was happening and she pushed him back, but still being careful not to push him too hard, knowing that his balance probably wasn't so good seeing as how he was still rather drunk.

Derek was drunk, really drunk. That's what she used to explain this awkward position they'd put themselves in. He was drunk and he didn't know what he was doing. It was sad to know that the only way to get him to notice her was after they were about to get a divorce and after he'd drowned himself in alcohol.

She stared at him for a moment before glancing around the trailer. This was the out Addison had needed, she supposed. "I--I should go," she said softly.
dr_shep on December 13th, 2006 05:30 am (UTC)
Derek had been so certain Addison would slap him or some other negative response that he almost didn't know what to do. But, just as he'd begun to sink into the kiss and accepted the reality of it, Addison had placed two hands on his chest and pushed him away. He'd stumbled slightly, but she hadn't pushed too hard.

He looked at her in surprise, his mind whirling, and then he dropped his eyes to the floor as she suggested leaving. She'd been doing that the entire time, looking for an out. He didn't know if it was because she was still so disappointed in him (kissing her would have only magnified that if it was the case) and was just looking for a way to leave him. Or if she was trying to respect him and give him the space he'd been looking for for months. He hoped it was the latter, although he now wasn't sure that was what he wanted.

"I... I thought you were staying," He said patheticaly stepping backwards and sitting on the edge of the bed.
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 05:45 am (UTC)
Addison sighed and looked at him sadly. How she wished he wasn't drunk at this moment. Maybe sober Derek could at least explain to her what was going on; that is, if sober Derek would be willing to talk to her at all. Why did he have to go and get drunk? Things would be so much clearer had his actions made any sense whatsoever, but they didn't. They didn't correlate in any way.

Derek seemed like he couldn't make up his mind. He hadn't been good at that since she'd arrived in Seattle, but this was just ridiculous. Drunk or not, that kiss was prompted by something in Derek's mind, something that may still hold her as dear to him, but why? He was in love with Meredith Grey. He had made that very clear when he decided to engage in intercourse with her at the prom. But now he'd broken up with her, gotten completely plastered, and kissed Addison, his soon-to-be ex-wife.

It didn't make any sense and Addison couldn't be any more confused. Derek had his fair share of being utterly unpredictable, but this was a whole new level of surprising.

"What are we doing, Derek?" she asked, shaking her head slightly as her eyebrows furrowed questioningly.
dr_shep on December 13th, 2006 06:06 am (UTC)
Derek shook his head. She had to ask the most difficult question possible. The question he didn't have an answer to. Because his world had pretty much been turned upside down. Everything he'd thought he'd known since he'd found Addison and Mark in bed together seemed to be completely wrong.

"I don't know, Addison," He sighed, "I'm not supposed to care what you think. I'm supposed to be with Meredith. But I do, and I'm not. I cannot stand the fact that you might be disappointed in me. All I know is that everything seems to be different. And I don't like to sleep alone."

He paused before clarifying, "Without you."
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 06:40 am (UTC)
Addison let out a sigh and closed her eyes, tucking her hair behind her ear. She leaned her back against the door frame and stared aimlessly at the wall opposite her, a look of utter pain and confusion playing across her face.

Why did he have to do this to her now? She had just begun to make progress in accepting that he and Meredith were an item. As much as that had hurt, she'd accepted it. He loved Meredith; Addison knew that, everyone knew that. But now, he was almost making a 180 degree turn, and she didn't know what to do. Addison was so set on getting ready to lead a life without being a Shepherd, without Derek as the man she would grow old with. And now, he was telling her that he cared what she thought, that he couldn't stand her being disappointed in him, that he couldn't sleep without her.

What was she supposed to do? Was she just supposed to believe him? Could she just hand him her heart again and risk having it getting broken? Was she supposed to expose herself to all the possible pain he could cause her?

No, Addison had told herself she wouldn't let him do that again. She wasn't going take it anymore. She'd paid her dues and more. It was Derek's turn to give up something; that is, if he were truly sincere (she was sure he wasn't and that it was just the alcohol). No matter, she wasn't going to let him hurt her anymore.

"I'm sure you slept fine with Meredith," Addison said, her gaze still transfixed on the wall across from her.
dr_shep on December 13th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC)
He winced as she spit out that suggestion, but he couldn't really argue. He deserved that and much worse.

She wouldn't just take his words. Derek hadn't learned the right for Addison to trust him that way. He'd been using words to keep her with him, while treating her horribly for months now, and he wasn't even sure what to tell her now, what words to use now. Because he honestly didn't know what he wanted, but it was starting to feel like it was Addison.

"Please, Addie," He said softly, "Don't say that. I meant what I said. I don't know what to make of it, but I do mean it."
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 08:09 am (UTC)
With a sigh, Addison crossed her arms over her chest and turned her head to the side to look at Derek. He looked so genuine and sincere, more now than all of the other times he'd acted this way since coming to Seattle. She was so torn apart inside, her thoughts and feelings split in two.

As strong as Addison wanted to be, as much as she wanted to keep herself from getting hurt again, she couldn't help but want to believe the things he was telling her. A part of Addison wanted for it all to be true so they could use that to bring them closer together again. She wanted him to care and to realize that 'Addison and Derek' was never supposed to end.

But she couldn't. Addison couldn't give in to the prospect of happily ever after because she knew it didn't exist. There would always be problems, and for them, some of the problems may be too big for them to overcome. She had thought that they could get passed everything with Mark and that they could forget his interaction with Meredith, but she'd been proven wrong. Logic told her that there was no reason for her to hold onto whatever hope she had left.

Her eyes began to water and a tear rolled down her cheek. It was over. "It doesn't matter what you make of it, Derek. We're getting a divorce." Her voice was low, her acceptance of what had become of them shiny through. It hurt, but it was the truth.
dr_shep on December 13th, 2006 07:30 pm (UTC)
Derek sighed. He honestly didn't know how to argue against what Addison was saying because he wasn't sure it wasn't true. They'd be signing the divorce papers in just days, and their marriage would be over. He had no idea how much had to be different before it changed that. He couldn't change things on the simple fact that he suddenly cared what Addison thought and wanted to sleep with her in his arms. The wounds were certainly too deep for that.

He looked up at her, their eyes meeting for the first time since Derek had been sober enough to really see her. It hurt him to see the pain in her eyes. She really had given up (which was something he should have seen coming long before; it was time for her to be strong and give up). He hated to see that. Hated to see his Addison so beaten that she didn't have any fight left in her.

But he still didn't know what to say. He was drunk, tired and completely at a loss for what he wanted.

"Just... stay, Addison. Stay, even if it's only to take care of me one last time."
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 11:29 pm (UTC)
Addison let out another sigh as she stared into his eyes. She couldn't say no to him. She couldn't pass up 'one last time.' The last time, they didn't know it would be the last time, and she knew that she'd regret not having taken this chance to enjoy being husband and wife one last time if she left right now. Addison had learned to take what she could get from Derek over the past few years of their marriage, and right now, Derek was asking her to for the night.

It was ironic how he wanted her only when they were about to be split apart. All the years in New York when he only cared about work to all the months they'd spent in Seattle, Derek had ignored her, been indifferent towards her. She stopped mattering to him, and now, after all of that, when she'd finally given up trying to win his love, he wanted her to stay. None of that was fair to her, but she couldn't do anything about it and she couldn't refuse him now after all that longing and fighting.

Her gaze shifted to the floor and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "Fine," she said quietly, leaning her head back against the doorframe.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 07:23 am (UTC)
Derek smiled, at least she'd be here one last time. That was comforting. He still didn't know what any of it meant, but he could figure that out. With time, he was sure he would know. At least he could have Addison tonight, be married one more time before it was all over.

He looked at her, frustration and confusion written across her entire face. For a moment, they both said nothing, Addison keeping her eyes closed and head resting against the wall and Derek watching her.

He finally whispered a grateful, "Thank you."
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 07:56 am (UTC)
Her eyes opened at the sound of Derek's voice and she turned to look at him again. She smiled softly at him, her eyes filled with a mixture of pain, sadness, and hope.

It's just one night, Addison told herself. She had established that she wasn't going to let him hurt her again, but it was still difficult to suppress the hope that she felt. For once in a long time, he actually wanted her to be with him, even if it was just for one night. A part of her wanted to believe that that meant something. She still wanted to believe that they could somehow work everything out. At this point, it seemed like it was impossible, but she couldn't stop that optimism she still had in her.

Addison fought those thoughts as best she could. It was hard but she wasn't going to let herself get hurt by Derek again. Enough was enough, and she was done fighting.

"You should get some sleep," she said quietly as she continued to just watch him for a moment.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 08:05 am (UTC)
Derek nodded; she was right. He had work in the morning, and a hangover was sure to be there. Sleeping would help to metabolize the alcohol and take the edge of, but Derek didn't really want to sleep.

Sleeping would metabolize the alcohol. Stop it from numbing the pain. Sleeping would also bring the night to an end. It would force both himself and Addison to face the very real reality that tonight was over, and they couldn't hide behind the excuse of "taking care of Derek."

He would have to figure out why, after so many months, he was suddenly ending his relationship with Meredith because of something Addison had said. He would have to figure it all out, and sleeping would only speed the process along.

But she was right, and he nodded, reaching up to unbutton his work shirt.

"You should, too."
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 08:23 am (UTC)
"Yeah, I will," Addison said with a nod. "I'll just uh...is it okay if I borrow something to wear for the night?"

She pushed herself off of the wall and took a step closer to him. This was all so weird; being stuck in this sort of limbo. They were still married, but they wouldn't be for long. Knowing that fact, determining whether to act as a married couple or just two people trying to lead separate lives was a feat in and of itself. It was their last night, so they should continue to be the married couple. However, the end was coming soon, so they should start getting used to not being married anymore.

Addison sighed and looked to Derek who was still undressing. She would let him decide what to do with this as well.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 08:29 am (UTC)
Derek was momentarily surprised that she had even asked. More than a few of Derek's shirts had spent more time on Addison's body than they had on his. She slept in his clothing; it had been that way since the very beginning. So it was just a little bit odd for Addison to be asking, but he sort of knew why. So he nodded slowly, tossing his shirt aside and reaching to unbutton his jeans.

"Sure, go ahead," He sloppily motioned in the direction of where his shirts were hanging, though she didn't really need to be reminded.
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 08:58 am (UTC)
Addison wordlessly went and picked out one of his shirts to wear, taking the liberty of grabbing a pair of boxers as well. She thought about going into the bathroom to change, but it was their last night and he seemed to want to continue their married ways, so she began to undress and change into his clothing.

Changing in front of Dere felt weird, namely because she knew the last person to see that much of her was not Derek, her husband, but instead was her husband's ex-best friend. She felt guilty. She felt dirty. They were never supposed to end up this way. 'Addison and Derek' was never supposed to end up here in this catastrophe that the two of them had created.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 03:26 pm (UTC)
Derek's eyes found their way to Addison as she changed into his clothing. It was simply habit, he told himself. She was his wife, after all, and he'd been watching her change for years. The sad look in her eyes reminded him that this would quite likely be the last time he would be able to watch her.

He sighed, his eyes still on her as he slipped off his jeans. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He wasn't supposed to be sad or longing over the loss of Addison. That had been the goal for months now. And, now, he was watching her and sad that it would be the last time.

He shook his head. This was simply far too confusing. He reached out for her hand because it was a comforting action, and he needed the comfort.
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 03:52 pm (UTC)
Addison froze when Derek's hand made contact with hers, letting out a small gasp out of shock. She stared at their linked hands for a moment before bringing her gaze up to meet his. The look of confusion spread across his entire face, only feeding her spark of hope more and more. Why must he do this to her? Why now, after everything?

"Derek, don't. Please, don't make this harder than it already is," Addison pleaded.

It wasn't fair to her. It wasn't fair that she'd spent months going through hell, jumping through every one of his hoops to have him cheat on her with Meredith Grey. He shouldn't get to be the martyr and he shouldn't get to feel this way. He wanted Meredith and now Addison was giving that to him. Derek shouldn't get to string her along any further.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 04:10 pm (UTC)
Derek kept hold of her hand for a few moments after her request before dropping it. If she didn't want to comfort him, then he didn't really know what to do. He couldn't make her, especially when he didn't know exactly what he wanted.

He sighed, slowly walking from her and to the kitchen to turn off the light from that half of the trailer. Everything was just a little bit harder when he turned back and saw her standing there. She still looked like his Addison, wearing his clothes and looking one hundred times more beautiful than she did all dressed up (some things just never changed).

She wasn't supposed to look like that. She wasn't supposed to be desirable. He wasn't supposed to think those things about her. This was the same thing (how beautiful she was) that he'd been struggling against ever since she came to Seattle. Because she was Addison, and he wasn't supposed to want her. But he couldn't stop it.

He wished she would just understand how torn he was, instead of constantly trying to push him away.
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
She avoided his eyes, trying her best to keep herself from crying or just throwing her arms around him and begging him to choose her, to stop making things so utterly difficult to do. Addison couldn't let him go. She couldn't hate him no matter how hard she tried. But she also couldn't let herself love him completely when he had caused her so much pain, when he might cause her even more pain.

The divorce was never supposed to be like this. She was supposed to let him go. He was supposed to be happy with Meredith. They were supposed to lead separate lives in peace, without these jumbled emotions for each other.

Life and love wasn't supposed to be this hard. Growing up, you're told all of these fairy tales of happily ever after. You paint this picture of yourself being the damsel and having your prince charming sweep you off your feet and carry you into the horizon with the setting of the sun. Love was never supposed to be filled with pain or hardship. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. There was no falling out of love in Addison's fantasy, and yet, her prince charming had managed to do that.

"I'll sleep on the couch," she said softly, her eyes landing on everything but Derek.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 06:03 pm (UTC)
Why was she being so goddamn difficult? Constantly pushing him away. This was not how it was supposed to work. Addison was supposed to be chasing him, and he was supposed to be pushing her away. Somehow the tables had been turned. He was suddenly not quite as certain about wanting this to end, and Addison kept pushing him away.

He didn't fail to notice how she wouldn't look at him, but he didn't mention it. Slowly, he started back to the bedroom and toward her.

As he approached, he shook his head, "No."

If she wouldn't give him anything more, she could at least let him spend their last night with her in his arms.
xaddis0nx on December 15th, 2006 04:35 am (UTC)
"What?" Addison asked meekly, finally lifting her head up to look at him. She could see the determination in his eyes. She could see how much Derek really wanted this last night and she started to question how sober he might be.

Addison knew the alcohol was beginning to wear off, but she didn't know why this side of him was still shining. He still wanted her to stay, but he refused to let her sleep on the couch.

She stared at him for a moment, wondering why he didn't seem to be the same Derek that she'd come to get used to during her stay in Seattle. He was different, maybe even good different. But Addison wondered where this Derek had been when she was still trying to save their marriage. She wondered where all of his love and caring had gone. Maybe this wasn't love or care, but it was pretty damn close, especially in comparison to how he'd been treating her the past few months.
dr_shep on December 15th, 2006 04:59 am (UTC)
Derek placed his hand softly on her hip, guiding her toward the bed, "Stay in bed with me, Addie. Just for tonight."

He hated himself for needing her so much. It was wrong. He'd not needed for for so long, and he only needed her the moment he couldn't have her.

He was supposed to need Meredith. He was supposed to be yearning to wrap his arms around the frail blonde. Instead, all he could think of was holding his wife (who fit him so perfectly) and losing his face in her mess of red hair. He wasn't suposed to want Addison.

But he did. He glanced down at his hand resting softly on her hip, and he realized how much the small gesture meant. He'd been resting his hand in this very spot for more than a third of his life. He knew exactly what she looked like underneath his T-shirt and boxers because she was Addison. Her body was as familiar to him as his own.

As much as he had tried to deny these simple facts for months, it didn't make them any less true. And it only made everything more confusing. He just wished he could forget how perfect she was for him, and everything would work itself out. He didn't necessarily have faith that it would work the other way. And that terrified him.