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10 December 2006 @ 06:35 pm
Emerald City Bar  
The bell above the door rang as Addison quickly entered, trying to get out of the rain. She quickly scanned the bar for the one person she came there for.

She wasn't even sure why she was doing this. Well, she did know. She was doing this for Derek, but really, she shouldn't be. Right? Addison wasn't his wife anymore (at least she wouldn't be his wife anymore a couple days from now when they go to meet with the lawyer). She didn't have any claim to him. She didn't have any responsibility towards him, and yet here she was.

Addison loved him still and she would go through hell and back for him (she kind of already had). She hoped that deep down somewhere, he was still her Derek and that they could possibly work their way to being friends again. When their marriage fell apart, Addison had lost her best friend and her husband. Now, she only wanted to be able to hold onto one of them.

Her eyes finally fell on Derek who was sitting at the counter, nursing another glass of alcohol. She frowned as she went over to his side. "Derek?" she said softly, feeling all the eyes from people who work at the hospital on them. Derek just had to pick the one bar everyone from the hospital went to.
xaddis0nx on December 11th, 2006 07:53 am (UTC)
The car stopped at a traffic light and Addison pursed her lips together before turning to look at Derek. He was so vulnerable in this drunken state. She didn't want to know anymore. She couldn't risk falling back into her state of longing for Derek (although she wasn't completely out if it either).

She sighed, turning back to the road as the light turned green and muttered, "And that's why we both hurt each other."
dr_shep on December 11th, 2006 08:04 am (UTC)
Addison's response was too quiet for Derek to hear exactly what she said, so he shrugged it off. As the car took to driving again, Derek still looking at Addison.

He'd gone to Joe's to drink and forget, and, for the most part, he was successful. He'd forgotten that Mark (his best friend turned arch-nemesis) was in Seattle, and he'd forgotten that Meredith was spending her time with the vet. But Addison's presence hadn't allowed him to forget everything. He couldn't forget how she had looked so disappointed in him when she'd talked to him. He couldn't forget the pained looks that always seemed to be sitting at the back of her eyes.

Finally, Derek decided to break the silence.

"It took me 11 years to hurt you. When did I start disappointing you?"
xaddis0nx on December 11th, 2006 08:15 am (UTC)
Addison looked over at Derek and studied him for a moment. She wondered if this could be like her earlier conversation with Meredith. Maybe she could tell him everything, knowing that he probably wouldn't remember most of it in the morning.

Letting out a sigh, she focused on the road as she spoke.

"I don't...know exactly when it started," she said softly. "It kind of just gradually happened. You started working more. I started seeing you less, and eventually we barely saw each other at all."

She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, recalling the countless nights she sat in their brownstone, waiting for him to come home to eat dinner, and the nights his side of the bed was cold and empty and she felt all alone. She knew she should have seen the end coming then, but she had convinced herself over and over that they would eventually be okay. Now, the end really had come, and she was more disappointed than ever.
dr_shep on December 11th, 2006 08:25 am (UTC)
Derek looked at her, suddenly regretting calling her. Not because he didn't want to be with her (Addie was the only person who could take care of him in any situation) but because he had wanted to forget, and her presence really wasn't letting him do that. Not only couldn't he forget what he was trying to, he was remembering more. The tears and the fights that had come from years before and not just in Seattle since Meredith.

"I wouldn't have put up with me and definitely not after I came here." He paused, gathering his thoughts and trying to piece them together coherently.

"I wish I could have seen what it was like to be without you sooner. We wouldn't be here."
xaddis0nx on December 11th, 2006 08:39 am (UTC)
"And where would we be, Derek?" she asked before she could stop the words from flying out of her mouth. She didn't want to know. She knew that she shouldn't know because none of it mattered anymore. Their marriage was over; it was ending and there was nothing else they could do. There was too much damage and too much pain. It was over, and she had to tell herself it was for the best.

"Don't--Don't answer that," Addison said quietly as she could feel the tears flooding her eyes again. None of it was ever supposed to turn out this way. "Just let me take you home and I'll be on my way."
dr_shep on December 11th, 2006 08:47 am (UTC)
Derek propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his forehead into his palms. Sobriety was slowly setting in, which meant that his the pain in his head was no longer numbed by the alcohol and this thoughts were no longer quite so clouded (although he wasn't sober by any means). Along with the physical pain, which was no longer being quite as numbed, was the emotional pain.

"I never thought it would hurt this bad." He mused.
xaddis0nx on December 11th, 2006 09:11 am (UTC)
Addison sighed and just wished that she could get him back to the trailer so she could leave all of this behind her. It all hurt too much to think about and she didn't want to do it anymore. She didn't want to think about the end of 'Addison and Derek.' She didn't want to think of all the good times they had together and contrast them with all the bad. She just wanted to be able to move on and live her life in peace. That, however, just wasn't happening tonight.

"I did," she told him softly. "I just always said to myself that we'd be able to make it. I was apparently very wrong."

The tone in her voice was quite bitter. She wasn't mad at Derek, or Meredith, and in a way, she wasn't even mad at Mark. The only person she could blame for all of this was herself.

She hadn't made him notice her enough in New York. She let his absence get to her. She had allowed herself to fall into bed with Mark, which inevitably pushed Derek away for good. There were so many things she could have done differently. As Addison had told Meredith earlier that day, there were a lot of things she should have done, but she had been stupid enough not to do them.
dr_shep on December 11th, 2006 01:38 pm (UTC)
Derek tilted his head in his hands so that he could look at her. Even in his inebriated state he could see her pain. Of course, he was hurting too, but she seemed to be doing that even more so.

He sighed, having nothing to say, so he settled on softly whispering, "Addie."
xaddis0nx on December 11th, 2006 04:28 pm (UTC)
Addison glanced at him again before looking away and staring at the road. She couldn't let herself imagine that Derek still held something for, like he actually cared in some way. She knew he had stopped caring a long time ago. The love was gone, having a special place in his heart was gone. Addison was done with holding onto hope. It was time she backed out with whatever dignity she had left.

She stayed silent as she continued to drive. Talking didn't look like such a good plan anymore. She just found herself more and more hurt, being drawn back to the possibility of 'Addison and Derek.' But no, she was done. They were through, and she couldn't ever fall back into the abyss of neverending pain.
dr_shep on December 11th, 2006 09:34 pm (UTC)
Derek didn't know what to make of anything. Though the alcohol was wearing off slowly, his mind was still clouded, and he wasn't sure sobriety would really make matters any clearer.

He loved Meredith and wanted to be rid of Addison. Or so that was what he'd been telling himself since he'd arrived in Seattle. He wanted the spunky intern who hero worshipped and pined for her McDreamy. He didn't want his wife who slept with Mark Sloan on the flannel sheets (Derek's favorite) and immediately called her lover to her side as soon as they'd determined their marriage over. He'd spent months pretending to work it out with Addison, but it had never really been a question.

Nothing had made any difference to change his mind, thus far. Not Meredith's trysts with other men. Not Addison's appologies. Not the Chief's cautionary tale about affairs with women named Grey. Not Meredith's inability to choose him. Not even hearing about his wife crying in a supply closet (apparently hiding from both himself and Meredith).

With the exception of a few hiccups, Derek had known exactly what he wanted for quite some time. And then Addison had told him not to hurt Meredith... again. He didn't know if it was what she was saying, and he realized his propensity for hurting Meredith that he'd never had for Addison (at least not for years). Or maybe it had been the look in her eye, not contempt or hatred or pain or disinterest (the things he figured a wife was supposed to feel for her cheating husband) but sheer disappointment.

Suddenly, Derek knew that he had failed Addison. She no longer saw him as the man she had married 12 years earlier. That Derek would never have hurt the woman he loved. He would have gone out of his way to protect her. Instead, he had hurt Meredith, and then he had hurt Addison.

Now he was floundering and confused because he knew he couldn't be with Meredith. Hurting her again was inevitable. He was just too good at it. And suddenly he was feeling confusing things for Addison. He didn't know if it was love, but it was certainly the closest thing to love he'd felt for Addison Shepherd in months. It was a little bit terrifying.

Finally, Derek decided he couldn't deal with the silence. His drunken mind was on overload, and he needed some sort of noise to drown it out. Since he'd never bothered to learn how to operate her car's stereo and he wasn't about to attempt it drunk, Derek said the first thing that came into his mind (although it was probably not one of the smarter things he'd ever said).

"You broke my heart."