Log in

No account? Create an account
10 December 2006 @ 06:35 pm
Emerald City Bar  
The bell above the door rang as Addison quickly entered, trying to get out of the rain. She quickly scanned the bar for the one person she came there for.

She wasn't even sure why she was doing this. Well, she did know. She was doing this for Derek, but really, she shouldn't be. Right? Addison wasn't his wife anymore (at least she wouldn't be his wife anymore a couple days from now when they go to meet with the lawyer). She didn't have any claim to him. She didn't have any responsibility towards him, and yet here she was.

Addison loved him still and she would go through hell and back for him (she kind of already had). She hoped that deep down somewhere, he was still her Derek and that they could possibly work their way to being friends again. When their marriage fell apart, Addison had lost her best friend and her husband. Now, she only wanted to be able to hold onto one of them.

Her eyes finally fell on Derek who was sitting at the counter, nursing another glass of alcohol. She frowned as she went over to his side. "Derek?" she said softly, feeling all the eyes from people who work at the hospital on them. Derek just had to pick the one bar everyone from the hospital went to.
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 06:40 am (UTC)
Addison let out a sigh and closed her eyes, tucking her hair behind her ear. She leaned her back against the door frame and stared aimlessly at the wall opposite her, a look of utter pain and confusion playing across her face.

Why did he have to do this to her now? She had just begun to make progress in accepting that he and Meredith were an item. As much as that had hurt, she'd accepted it. He loved Meredith; Addison knew that, everyone knew that. But now, he was almost making a 180 degree turn, and she didn't know what to do. Addison was so set on getting ready to lead a life without being a Shepherd, without Derek as the man she would grow old with. And now, he was telling her that he cared what she thought, that he couldn't stand her being disappointed in him, that he couldn't sleep without her.

What was she supposed to do? Was she just supposed to believe him? Could she just hand him her heart again and risk having it getting broken? Was she supposed to expose herself to all the possible pain he could cause her?

No, Addison had told herself she wouldn't let him do that again. She wasn't going take it anymore. She'd paid her dues and more. It was Derek's turn to give up something; that is, if he were truly sincere (she was sure he wasn't and that it was just the alcohol). No matter, she wasn't going to let him hurt her anymore.

"I'm sure you slept fine with Meredith," Addison said, her gaze still transfixed on the wall across from her.
dr_shep on December 13th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC)
He winced as she spit out that suggestion, but he couldn't really argue. He deserved that and much worse.

She wouldn't just take his words. Derek hadn't learned the right for Addison to trust him that way. He'd been using words to keep her with him, while treating her horribly for months now, and he wasn't even sure what to tell her now, what words to use now. Because he honestly didn't know what he wanted, but it was starting to feel like it was Addison.

"Please, Addie," He said softly, "Don't say that. I meant what I said. I don't know what to make of it, but I do mean it."
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 08:09 am (UTC)
With a sigh, Addison crossed her arms over her chest and turned her head to the side to look at Derek. He looked so genuine and sincere, more now than all of the other times he'd acted this way since coming to Seattle. She was so torn apart inside, her thoughts and feelings split in two.

As strong as Addison wanted to be, as much as she wanted to keep herself from getting hurt again, she couldn't help but want to believe the things he was telling her. A part of Addison wanted for it all to be true so they could use that to bring them closer together again. She wanted him to care and to realize that 'Addison and Derek' was never supposed to end.

But she couldn't. Addison couldn't give in to the prospect of happily ever after because she knew it didn't exist. There would always be problems, and for them, some of the problems may be too big for them to overcome. She had thought that they could get passed everything with Mark and that they could forget his interaction with Meredith, but she'd been proven wrong. Logic told her that there was no reason for her to hold onto whatever hope she had left.

Her eyes began to water and a tear rolled down her cheek. It was over. "It doesn't matter what you make of it, Derek. We're getting a divorce." Her voice was low, her acceptance of what had become of them shiny through. It hurt, but it was the truth.
dr_shep on December 13th, 2006 07:30 pm (UTC)
Derek sighed. He honestly didn't know how to argue against what Addison was saying because he wasn't sure it wasn't true. They'd be signing the divorce papers in just days, and their marriage would be over. He had no idea how much had to be different before it changed that. He couldn't change things on the simple fact that he suddenly cared what Addison thought and wanted to sleep with her in his arms. The wounds were certainly too deep for that.

He looked up at her, their eyes meeting for the first time since Derek had been sober enough to really see her. It hurt him to see the pain in her eyes. She really had given up (which was something he should have seen coming long before; it was time for her to be strong and give up). He hated to see that. Hated to see his Addison so beaten that she didn't have any fight left in her.

But he still didn't know what to say. He was drunk, tired and completely at a loss for what he wanted.

"Just... stay, Addison. Stay, even if it's only to take care of me one last time."
xaddis0nx on December 13th, 2006 11:29 pm (UTC)
Addison let out another sigh as she stared into his eyes. She couldn't say no to him. She couldn't pass up 'one last time.' The last time, they didn't know it would be the last time, and she knew that she'd regret not having taken this chance to enjoy being husband and wife one last time if she left right now. Addison had learned to take what she could get from Derek over the past few years of their marriage, and right now, Derek was asking her to for the night.

It was ironic how he wanted her only when they were about to be split apart. All the years in New York when he only cared about work to all the months they'd spent in Seattle, Derek had ignored her, been indifferent towards her. She stopped mattering to him, and now, after all of that, when she'd finally given up trying to win his love, he wanted her to stay. None of that was fair to her, but she couldn't do anything about it and she couldn't refuse him now after all that longing and fighting.

Her gaze shifted to the floor and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "Fine," she said quietly, leaning her head back against the doorframe.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 07:23 am (UTC)
Derek smiled, at least she'd be here one last time. That was comforting. He still didn't know what any of it meant, but he could figure that out. With time, he was sure he would know. At least he could have Addison tonight, be married one more time before it was all over.

He looked at her, frustration and confusion written across her entire face. For a moment, they both said nothing, Addison keeping her eyes closed and head resting against the wall and Derek watching her.

He finally whispered a grateful, "Thank you."
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 07:56 am (UTC)
Her eyes opened at the sound of Derek's voice and she turned to look at him again. She smiled softly at him, her eyes filled with a mixture of pain, sadness, and hope.

It's just one night, Addison told herself. She had established that she wasn't going to let him hurt her again, but it was still difficult to suppress the hope that she felt. For once in a long time, he actually wanted her to be with him, even if it was just for one night. A part of her wanted to believe that that meant something. She still wanted to believe that they could somehow work everything out. At this point, it seemed like it was impossible, but she couldn't stop that optimism she still had in her.

Addison fought those thoughts as best she could. It was hard but she wasn't going to let herself get hurt by Derek again. Enough was enough, and she was done fighting.

"You should get some sleep," she said quietly as she continued to just watch him for a moment.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 08:05 am (UTC)
Derek nodded; she was right. He had work in the morning, and a hangover was sure to be there. Sleeping would help to metabolize the alcohol and take the edge of, but Derek didn't really want to sleep.

Sleeping would metabolize the alcohol. Stop it from numbing the pain. Sleeping would also bring the night to an end. It would force both himself and Addison to face the very real reality that tonight was over, and they couldn't hide behind the excuse of "taking care of Derek."

He would have to figure out why, after so many months, he was suddenly ending his relationship with Meredith because of something Addison had said. He would have to figure it all out, and sleeping would only speed the process along.

But she was right, and he nodded, reaching up to unbutton his work shirt.

"You should, too."
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 08:23 am (UTC)
"Yeah, I will," Addison said with a nod. "I'll just uh...is it okay if I borrow something to wear for the night?"

She pushed herself off of the wall and took a step closer to him. This was all so weird; being stuck in this sort of limbo. They were still married, but they wouldn't be for long. Knowing that fact, determining whether to act as a married couple or just two people trying to lead separate lives was a feat in and of itself. It was their last night, so they should continue to be the married couple. However, the end was coming soon, so they should start getting used to not being married anymore.

Addison sighed and looked to Derek who was still undressing. She would let him decide what to do with this as well.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 08:29 am (UTC)
Derek was momentarily surprised that she had even asked. More than a few of Derek's shirts had spent more time on Addison's body than they had on his. She slept in his clothing; it had been that way since the very beginning. So it was just a little bit odd for Addison to be asking, but he sort of knew why. So he nodded slowly, tossing his shirt aside and reaching to unbutton his jeans.

"Sure, go ahead," He sloppily motioned in the direction of where his shirts were hanging, though she didn't really need to be reminded.
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 08:58 am (UTC)
Addison wordlessly went and picked out one of his shirts to wear, taking the liberty of grabbing a pair of boxers as well. She thought about going into the bathroom to change, but it was their last night and he seemed to want to continue their married ways, so she began to undress and change into his clothing.

Changing in front of Dere felt weird, namely because she knew the last person to see that much of her was not Derek, her husband, but instead was her husband's ex-best friend. She felt guilty. She felt dirty. They were never supposed to end up this way. 'Addison and Derek' was never supposed to end up here in this catastrophe that the two of them had created.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 03:26 pm (UTC)
Derek's eyes found their way to Addison as she changed into his clothing. It was simply habit, he told himself. She was his wife, after all, and he'd been watching her change for years. The sad look in her eyes reminded him that this would quite likely be the last time he would be able to watch her.

He sighed, his eyes still on her as he slipped off his jeans. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He wasn't supposed to be sad or longing over the loss of Addison. That had been the goal for months now. And, now, he was watching her and sad that it would be the last time.

He shook his head. This was simply far too confusing. He reached out for her hand because it was a comforting action, and he needed the comfort.
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 03:52 pm (UTC)
Addison froze when Derek's hand made contact with hers, letting out a small gasp out of shock. She stared at their linked hands for a moment before bringing her gaze up to meet his. The look of confusion spread across his entire face, only feeding her spark of hope more and more. Why must he do this to her? Why now, after everything?

"Derek, don't. Please, don't make this harder than it already is," Addison pleaded.

It wasn't fair to her. It wasn't fair that she'd spent months going through hell, jumping through every one of his hoops to have him cheat on her with Meredith Grey. He shouldn't get to be the martyr and he shouldn't get to feel this way. He wanted Meredith and now Addison was giving that to him. Derek shouldn't get to string her along any further.
dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 04:10 pm (UTC)
Derek kept hold of her hand for a few moments after her request before dropping it. If she didn't want to comfort him, then he didn't really know what to do. He couldn't make her, especially when he didn't know exactly what he wanted.

He sighed, slowly walking from her and to the kitchen to turn off the light from that half of the trailer. Everything was just a little bit harder when he turned back and saw her standing there. She still looked like his Addison, wearing his clothes and looking one hundred times more beautiful than she did all dressed up (some things just never changed).

She wasn't supposed to look like that. She wasn't supposed to be desirable. He wasn't supposed to think those things about her. This was the same thing (how beautiful she was) that he'd been struggling against ever since she came to Seattle. Because she was Addison, and he wasn't supposed to want her. But he couldn't stop it.

He wished she would just understand how torn he was, instead of constantly trying to push him away.
xaddis0nx on December 14th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
She avoided his eyes, trying her best to keep herself from crying or just throwing her arms around him and begging him to choose her, to stop making things so utterly difficult to do. Addison couldn't let him go. She couldn't hate him no matter how hard she tried. But she also couldn't let herself love him completely when he had caused her so much pain, when he might cause her even more pain.

The divorce was never supposed to be like this. She was supposed to let him go. He was supposed to be happy with Meredith. They were supposed to lead separate lives in peace, without these jumbled emotions for each other.

Life and love wasn't supposed to be this hard. Growing up, you're told all of these fairy tales of happily ever after. You paint this picture of yourself being the damsel and having your prince charming sweep you off your feet and carry you into the horizon with the setting of the sun. Love was never supposed to be filled with pain or hardship. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. There was no falling out of love in Addison's fantasy, and yet, her prince charming had managed to do that.

"I'll sleep on the couch," she said softly, her eyes landing on everything but Derek.
(no subject) - dr_shep on December 14th, 2006 06:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - xaddis0nx on December 15th, 2006 04:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dr_shep on December 15th, 2006 04:59 am (UTC) (Expand)